The Onion reports

January 8, 2026

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent who fatally shot 37-year-old Minneapolis resident Renee Good as she drove away from him was “fully justified,” Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem warned Thursday that any action taken by Americans would be treated as domestic terrorism. “Make no mistake: Anything and everything Americans do, from the second they wake up to the second they fall asleep, will be treated as a national security threat and dealt with accordingly,” said Noem, who added that even seemingly trivial activities like picking up groceries, calling friends on the phone, or sneezing would warrant the use of lethal force by a federal agent. “To any U.S. resident currently considering leaving your house, walking down the street, breathing, or hugging your loved ones, you have been warned. We will find you. And we will kill you.” Noem added that she had formally charged over 340 Americans with acts of domestic terrorism for engaging in the act of being born.

Source:The Onion https://theonion.com/dhs-warns-any-action-by-americans-will-be-treated-as-domestic-terrorism/